Think about the last time you struggled with something at work. Did you ask for help, or did you spend hours trying to figure it out alone?
Most of us default to the second option. We’ve been taught – sometimes explicitly, often implicitly – that asking for help signals incompetence. Capable people, we believe, work things out independently. Asking for assistance is ‘admitting defeat’.
But here’s what research consistently shows: this belief is backwards. People who ask for help are actually perceived as more competent, not less. They build stronger relationships, learn faster, and achieve better results than those who struggle in silence.
Why we don’t ask
The fear of looking incompetent is powerful, but it’s not the only barrier. We worry about burdening busy colleagues. We don’t want to owe anyone. Sometimes we’re not even sure exactly what help we need.
There’s also a status element. Asking can feel like admitting someone else knows more than us – which, of course, they often do. That’s precisely why their help would be valuable.
Understanding these psychological barriers is the first step to overcoming them. The reluctance you feel isn’t weakness; it’s normal human psychology. But it’s also holding you back.
The surprising benefits
When you ask someone for help, something interesting happens: they tend to like you more, not less. Psychologists call this the “Ben Franklin effect” – named after Franklin’s observation that people who do you a favour become more invested in your success.
Asking for help also accelerates learning dramatically. Instead of spending hours on trial and error, you access someone else’s hard-won experience directly. The time that you would have spent struggling can go toward productive work.
Help-seeking builds relationships. It shows you trust and value someone’s expertise. And it creates a sense of give-and-take that strengthens professional connections over time.
How to ask effectively
There’s a difference between asking well and asking poorly. The key is making it easy for someone to help you. Here are four pointers to remember:
- Be specific
“Can you help me with this project?” is vague and overwhelming. “Could you spend ten minutes explaining how the reporting system works?” is clear and contained. People are far more likely to say yes when they know exactly what you’re asking.
- Show your work
Demonstrate that you’ve already tried. “I’ve looked at the documentation and tried X and Y, but I’m stuck on this specific part” shows respect for their time and positions you as someone worth helping.
- Acknowledge their expertise
People like being asked because they’re good at something. A simple “I know you’ve handled this before” or “You’re the person everyone says knows about X” makes the request feel like a compliment, not a burden.
- Make it easy to say no
Surprisingly, giving someone an ‘out’ makes them more likely to help. “If you’re too busy, no problem” removes pressure and makes saying yes feel like a genuine choice.
Building a help-seeking culture
The most effective teams normalise asking for help. When leaders model help-seeking behaviour, it gives permission to everyone else. When asking becomes routine rather than exceptional, knowledge flows faster, and problems get solved sooner.
You can contribute to this culture regardless of your seniority. Ask publicly, not just privately. Thank people specifically for their help. Offer your own expertise generously when others need it.
The goal isn’t to become dependent on others. It’s to recognise that working together intelligently beats struggling alone – and that asking for help is a professional skill worth developing.